What being a great female dancer means

Strong
Flexible
Versatile
Sexy

So well-summed in the judges' commentary of SYTYCD Season 5 top 3 girls.

And I so need to work harder!

Plus! I think watching SYTYCD reminds me that as a dancer I need to commit more to the emotions and demands of the routines carefully crafted by the choreographers. I need to dance my lines properly...

BAH.... Why do I have exams to go through?

Superstitious?

Just realized it's Friday the 13th, and it's supposedly the day where random bad things can happen. It'll be interesting to study whether it's more like because people are more aware of the myth behind the day that they can attribute whatever bad thing that happens more to the circumstances, and less to the actual cause.

Anyhow, I am up very early this morning because firstly my mum was talking quite loudly at 6am while my brother was preparing to get to work; and it woke me up. He happily left the room door open and somehow the usually deep sleeper was aroused.

Then while trying to go back to sleep, suddenly an idea came to me. And after about 1 hour of developing the idea in my head, penning down some thoughts lest I forget, trying to sleep again, having more ideas and having to write them all down, I think God has fully jolted me awake. Plus I'm quite sure that the ESS idea being 3/4 way there already is making me rather excited.

And thinking..."now God you can finally let me go sleep right?" I was wrong; again. But here comes the nice one. I had a revelation about this idea. Though I would love to be the one to bring this ESS idea to fruition, if I truly believe that this is a God-given creative insight, it wouldn't matter who championed it. But if it was because I want to be acknowledged as the idea producer, then I will  be upset if someone else became the carrier. See, it's all back to the me-God struggle.

And the nicest part comes here, where this thought extended to my ministry. Being rather old, I've definitely thought of moving on. But I've always said that I'm not quite done with the youth dance team yet. Meaning that the vision God gave me way back then, I'm really hoping to see it come to pass in my generation. And if I were to be honest, part of this strong motivation for "ownership" also stems from pride and a need for recognition? Like imagine you worked so hard, sowed deeply into the lives and ministry, and just when you have moved on, the group flourishes and someone else reaps the harvest, surely this doesn't sound enticing?  But if this is God's ministry and you are really God's servant, then it shouldn't matter, should it? 'I planted the seed, Apollos watered it, and God made it grow.'

I prayed: God I humble myself before You once again this day. I am but Your vessel; and though I would love to be the one to bring this vision to completion, I am reminded of Paul's last words to Timothy and the importance of following Your will. He understood that it is not about our achievements that You're most impressed with. "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith."

And because You're mighty Lord, today will be another awesome day! :D

P.S. In case you only read excerpts and are wondering...Don't worry, I am not thinking of moving on yet. I love whatever I am doing right now.

Looking up

1. Received sms from group mate last night that we got full marks for our presentation. Yayness to the max! Thank you once again to all who came down to help me in my gestures project!

2. Thanks for dropping the sms late last night to show concern. And yes, I need to grow to be more attentive to the whispers of the birds despite my busyness. Jiayou at work dear!

3. Fruitful time of studying today with Ame! Finished the readings I planned to complete. Jiayou for your paper tomorrow!

4. Not sure if you will read this, but thanks for agreeing to meet up so spontaneously. Some tough and open talk we had there, and I really hope you'll grow. Let go and let God! :)

5. And for reminding me that it's been good journeying with you, and still learning more about you and your word everyday, thank you.

The struggle from the beginning of times: ME or You?

These few days I've been waking up with either some moves in my head or just the urge to roll out of bed and dance. Mum has expressed concern over my insane dancing habits these days. It's week 13, which means exams start in 2 weeks, and I have not been hitting the books though I ought to. Instead I've been attending more (dance) classes because of my increased availability with less school work. Like tonight I'll be going for waacking platform after much struggle and hesitation. But I love Christine's attitude when I told her about this last night. "The most go there to throw face"...indeed my deep-seated fears and insecurities have been very salient to myself lately. All stemming from self-consciousness and pride, I am constantly questioning and reminding myself why I am dancing. And because I've not fully grasped and been liberated from this struggle, I know that spending time with God daily is essential. I don't want to lose that God-consciousness in my life. It's scary when I heard the sermon last week how David could fall so deep into sin after a victory. And God has been gracious in my life to allow many blessings and victories as well. Some public, some private, but all can be a source of downfall if I'm not careful.

Nancy Beach said the fundamental difference between performance and ministry boils down to humility. And while I've been devoting myself to the choreographic process for Christmas lately, I know that a slight breakthrough came near the start when I got this insight that this time it must be different. Not so much to keep things "fresh", but I want people to see that we've grown - not just in our technique, but more importantly in our lives. In fact, I'm very excited over the choreography not because I'm great (in fact a large portion of it is borrowed from a wonderful team member of mine), but because I know God is an expert at using those who dare to say 'here I am, use me'. I've not created a piece since last October, and I can quite openly say that it's because I had this wrong mentality. That similar to the guy with the 1 talent: 'Oh I only have 1 talent, what can I do? Maybe I should just hide it. You see the other people with more talents? I'll mobilize them! I'll just dance under their leadership. Use them, they have better choreography ability, they have better skills.' And so I deceived myself; that if I were truly honest, isn't this pride? Since humility is really about sober judgment of oneself [Rom12:3], not being overly self-focused. So I prayed, God this Christmas, I want to create something that shouts of how you've been working in my life. I know I'm not there yet, but I'm growing, and I want the world to know that the same God who gives me strength to live every day of my life, can be the same God who brings joy to their lives if they allow Him.

So following Nancy's advice to cure those "pride attacks" when some people treat you like you're better than the average person, I'm learning to look upward more. "Humility is a by-product of being consumed with Christ's supremacy." And another good reminder is to realize that our gifts are assigned by the Creator for the greater purpose of His kingdom. The more gifted one is, the more RESPONSIBILITY it actually entails [Luke 12:48].

And I think because it's hard to understand what it means to be completely humble, we can wrongly associate humility with being weak. Like on-stage especially, what kind of content can we come up with? What are the boundaries and who sets them? Can I give someone 2-eights of 'fame' with a solo? Or even just 2 seconds that 'shows off' this person's ability? I think the answer is obvious the way I write it. But anyway, I love this balancing act and important note put across by Nancy: "Humility is not inconsistent with excellence and passion...when dancing, be completely absorbed in the content and give the dance all that you've got." Some meaty stuff to chew on in that statement!

So as I'm still choreographing, the final 8-eights, I'm really excited to share this piece with my team. It's still a struggle in the sense that I don't quite know whether the people will like it. And because putting your art (a part of yourself) out there for people to critique can be really painful, I remind myself that God delights in this piece already. It is about the process of doing it with Him. I am God's masterpiece; and to create is to be close to the heart of the Creator. May what You want to say be expressed in this piece - our bodies, Your instrument.

Currently An Hour on Sunday: Creating Moments of Transformation and Wonder By Nancy Beach see related