One of those "argh" nights

Am I perfectionist? Or what am I? A fighter? A pessimist?

I go for classes and often walk out thinking... THERE'S SO MUCH MORE I NEED TO IMPROVE IN! Totally not feeling the music and getting the groove!

Then I go for rehearsal and end up thinking... I NEED TO TEACH BETTER! More precise in my instructions. And I also need to learn to choreograph better. Tough.

Exams in one week. I'll be quite amazed if my CAP doesn't drop this sem.

The stress is building up. bahhhhhh....

What being a great female dancer means

Strong
Flexible
Versatile
Sexy

So well-summed in the judges' commentary of SYTYCD Season 5 top 3 girls.

And I so need to work harder!

Plus! I think watching SYTYCD reminds me that as a dancer I need to commit more to the emotions and demands of the routines carefully crafted by the choreographers. I need to dance my lines properly...

BAH.... Why do I have exams to go through?

Superstitious?

Just realized it's Friday the 13th, and it's supposedly the day where random bad things can happen. It'll be interesting to study whether it's more like because people are more aware of the myth behind the day that they can attribute whatever bad thing that happens more to the circumstances, and less to the actual cause.

Anyhow, I am up very early this morning because firstly my mum was talking quite loudly at 6am while my brother was preparing to get to work; and it woke me up. He happily left the room door open and somehow the usually deep sleeper was aroused.

Then while trying to go back to sleep, suddenly an idea came to me. And after about 1 hour of developing the idea in my head, penning down some thoughts lest I forget, trying to sleep again, having more ideas and having to write them all down, I think God has fully jolted me awake. Plus I'm quite sure that the ESS idea being 3/4 way there already is making me rather excited.

And thinking..."now God you can finally let me go sleep right?" I was wrong; again. But here comes the nice one. I had a revelation about this idea. Though I would love to be the one to bring this ESS idea to fruition, if I truly believe that this is a God-given creative insight, it wouldn't matter who championed it. But if it was because I want to be acknowledged as the idea producer, then I will  be upset if someone else became the carrier. See, it's all back to the me-God struggle.

And the nicest part comes here, where this thought extended to my ministry. Being rather old, I've definitely thought of moving on. But I've always said that I'm not quite done with the youth dance team yet. Meaning that the vision God gave me way back then, I'm really hoping to see it come to pass in my generation. And if I were to be honest, part of this strong motivation for "ownership" also stems from pride and a need for recognition? Like imagine you worked so hard, sowed deeply into the lives and ministry, and just when you have moved on, the group flourishes and someone else reaps the harvest, surely this doesn't sound enticing?  But if this is God's ministry and you are really God's servant, then it shouldn't matter, should it? 'I planted the seed, Apollos watered it, and God made it grow.'

I prayed: God I humble myself before You once again this day. I am but Your vessel; and though I would love to be the one to bring this vision to completion, I am reminded of Paul's last words to Timothy and the importance of following Your will. He understood that it is not about our achievements that You're most impressed with. "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith."

And because You're mighty Lord, today will be another awesome day! :D

P.S. In case you only read excerpts and are wondering...Don't worry, I am not thinking of moving on yet. I love whatever I am doing right now.

Looking up

1. Received sms from group mate last night that we got full marks for our presentation. Yayness to the max! Thank you once again to all who came down to help me in my gestures project!

2. Thanks for dropping the sms late last night to show concern. And yes, I need to grow to be more attentive to the whispers of the birds despite my busyness. Jiayou at work dear!

3. Fruitful time of studying today with Ame! Finished the readings I planned to complete. Jiayou for your paper tomorrow!

4. Not sure if you will read this, but thanks for agreeing to meet up so spontaneously. Some tough and open talk we had there, and I really hope you'll grow. Let go and let God! :)

5. And for reminding me that it's been good journeying with you, and still learning more about you and your word everyday, thank you.